Processing My Faith After Miscarriage
This. This is the post I’ve been thinking of writing for a while now and just purely couldn’t bring myself to do it. I’m getting deeply personal-I lost two babies last year due to miscarriage. One at the end of April and one in October. It was the one of the most hurtful things that I’ve ever experienced, and putting it out there in public seemed disrespectful and only added to the hurt. I keep it inside- only letting a select circle see my grief because I could not let it out. But over time, I’ve realized that sharing my journey of faith after miscarriage might help someone else walking the same path. It’s because of this reason I’m not sharing details or specifics- I don’t want my children to turn into a marketing scheme. I’m sharing what I learned in that time if there is anyone out there who needs this too. There will be a basic story I’m sharing- but my personal pictures and video are going to be kept private.
My Story
To begin, in May of last year, I became pregnant with a surprise pregnancy. Over time, my body let me know something was wrong, and I was told I had miscarried very early. The doctors sent me for blood draws week after week when my hormone levels did not return to normal. I almost skipped the fourth time they told me to go, but decided they knew best and went anyway. Eventually they suspected something was wrong and sent me for a sonogram- which turned into an emergency surgery that removed one of my organs. Learning that I had an ectopic pregnancy with no tangible reminder but only an emergency surgery left me feeling traumatized and filled me with an unknown grief.
Fast forward to October- I learned I was pregnant with another surprise baby. It was supposed to be our rainbow- but nothing prepares you for the moment you go into the office to learn the heartbeat is gone. This time- I had pictures and a video with a small, beautiful heartbeat that I’ll treasure until I meet my baby in person with Jesus. I am a strong believer in life and respect, and for that reason our baby is buried in the small corner of our yard where flowers will forever preserve their remembrance.
That is the short version of what happened, but here’s what I’m actually sharing.
Here’s What this Year Taught Me
For a long time after the miscarriage- I fought with God. It was a dark season- I’ve never actually questioned my faith that I believe in for so long- but I did then. I felt lost, hurt, and left with a grief that I wasn’t sure how to process.
Tangible Support is Essential
I had not shared openly about either pregnancy, but somehow the word reached my church members. With both losses people from my Sunday school came, brought me food, sat with me, and truly listened. My one close friend made a tiny baby blanket to be buried with our sweet little- and that action has meant more to me than anything in this world. It was truly those people- showing God’s tangible love that kept me anchored when I felt like I was drowning. When I felt the questions just kept coming with no answers.
I talked with multiple friends who experienced miscarriages- which is a terrible, terrible sad reality. But it helped. They helped me work through logistics of what to do next and gave me books to read. Here are two that I worked through during that terrible time.
That’s truly why I want to share this blog post. I want to help other mamas know they are not alone. And if you need someone to talk to- message me. I will listen.
It’s Okay to Ask Questions
Through their wisdom, I learned it’s okay to question your faith after miscarriage. So many people asked God why in the Bible (especially in the Psalms) and I’ve learned it’s okay to voice everything to God. He is big enough- He can take it. Voice your questions, your hurt, your grief, but read the Bible anyway. Some days I couldn’t, and that was okay. But try to read it when you can and wrestle with what’s inside.
To be honest, I still have some of the questions I voiced to God.
- “Why did this happen, when I didn’t even ask for it?”
- “My babies did nothing wrong, why them?”
- “Are you truly good, or is that just what I’ve been told all my life?”
Do I have a solid answer? No. But recently a friend recommended I begin a devotional from Daily Grace Co called “Even If: A Study of Habakkuk” . In this book of the Bible Habakkuk wrestles with God and asks Him similar questions. (Habakkuk 1:2, 1:13)
- “How long?”
- “Why?”
- “Where is Justice?”
God doesn’t give Habakkuk a solid answer either. But what He does do is direct him back to himself, calls him to trust him even if he can’t see what the end goal is.
“Look among the nations, and see; wonder and be astounded. For I am doing a work in your days that you would not believe if told.” (1:5)
“Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the field yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the LORD; I will take joy in the God of my salvation.” (3:17-18)
Do I truly believe this? To be honest I’m working on it every day. Taking truth one day at a time.
One Year Later
After this experience, I was told time would heal the hurt. And in a way, I suppose it has. However, it doesn’t stamp down the desire for the two children I lost. It doesn’t remove the longing when I see other rainbow babies. The grief- even though it’s been a year- is still there. When others think you should be “over it” -you’re not. And honestly I don’t think I ever will be. The questions are still there. But I’m making a choice to believe God is doing something in my day that I would not believe if I was told.
Since we are speaking truth, I ramped up my photography work so I could have something to pour into this year. I wanted something to cover up the pain- something to think about. But it really didn’t cover up the pain. The grief was still there with a mask of a workaholic on top. Growing my business just put more work on me and gave me less time for the children that I currently have. I’m working on working through it (with questions) and letting it hurt.
Ryder and Levi, my two other children, are so important to me. I value their lives now more than ever because I realize how quickly I could have lost them too. I want to be a better mama who points them to a God they can trust even when they cannot see.
If This is Your Story Too
If you’ve been through this recently, first of all- I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. There is nothing that can replace your little life. During my experience, I had a lady at the sonogram office tell me “It’s okay, there will be another one.” But she was wrong. There is nothing that can replace the two lives that were lost. They are irreplaceable. But besides this, I want you to know you are not alone. Your grief has a place. And if you need to talk- message me. I am here. You can send a link through my contact form, but I’ll text or email you back privately. <3
